Trust

So here it is, my little update plus a little tidbit of what I have been thinking about lately. 
The kids are doing so well. They are just so wonderful and fun and smart and lively. Liam's witty comments are never ending. Today he tried to throw a piece of trash out the window and I told him he couldn't because it was littering. He then wanted an explanation of what littering was and why it was bad. That then led to a long explanation about the law, and police, and the different ways to break the law and so on an so fourth. I then tried to weave in some gospel (you know, like a good mom ;) ) and tell him how we don't want to break God's law but we do because that is called sin and again so on and so forth. After many more questions and then a long pause he says "mommy I won't do it now, but when I am older I WILL break the law." (SIGH) I tried.
The night before he also said to me as I was walking out of his room, in a very sassy tone. "Mama, get me some water and crack." (Crack, I later surmised meant leave the door cracked). 
We are trying to drop the precious "babi" use which is pretty hard and I can tell is really throwing him off. Being a big boy can be rough!
Grayson is still Grayson. He is either 100% smiles or 100% screaming his head off. Hates, and I mean HATES with a burning passion, having his diaper changed! But he is crawling and cooing and just the sweetest little guy. Im just smitten with him. 


Now for what I have been thinking about lately. This whole rant I'm about to go on will sound a lot better if you put the song "Oceans" by Hillsong on in the background while you read it. You will understand why in a moment. 

Alright you have it on? Ok....go....

 I have realized that I am pretty good at psycho analyzing myself and pretty much everyone around me. This can be a gift and a major pain. The problem with being perceptive is sometimes I over perceive to the point where I am so caught up in anxious fearful thinking it over takes me. I have struggled with anxiety maybe my whole life. There have been times where it has been better and times when it has been worse. There have been times when I had good reason to be anxious and there where times where I didn't but still was. I have read so many books and talked to so many people and at times it has been very edifying. But a lot of times its just a way to temporarily subdue my fears and distract myself. I have wrestled much with the source of this anxiety and fought against some suggestions and fell into others. Some where true, some not. But I am coming back around to something I had once known to be the main problem but now see in a different way. A lot of times extreme circumstances where I had good reason to be very anxious just became a distraction from what really is the main issue. And this main issue is always most evident to me not in times of struggle but in times of peace. 

Trust. I dont trust God like I should. Now who really does would you say? We could all trust God more I guess. But I am talking about something different. Im talking about misplaced trust. Putting hopes in things that we aren't meant to stake our peace on. And because of this we are incredibly anxious people. And the anxiety is really self preservation. We are worried about things that affect us directly. Will hurt us directly. 

Now I have been told so much that pain is unavoidable. True. But how the hell does hearing that help? Of course bad things are going to happen, I know that better than most. But focus on that fact just makes it all worse. Then your eyes are on the pain. I have also been told that God is in control. Also True. And that God is sovereign and working all things for the good of those who love him and are called according to his purpose. Of course I know that to be true. But knowing that never helped me to trust. It just made me feel distant from God because then all I could think was that God was heartless. And of course I knew God wasn't heartless but I didn't feel like he cared about my pain. It just made God feel distant and cold. And I began to feel hardened to that type of talk. Ok God fine, Ill just be fine with things like death, and brokenness because apparently they will be good for me because they will make me closer to you??.... (I am not saying this isn't true Im just saying for me, maybe because Im stubborn, it only served to make me feel more despairing) 

What then are we suppose to do? Well I will tell you I have concluded that there is no other choice but to put trust in God. There simply is nothing else. But how does this look? 

Now I am still hashing this out and largely stealing this form a Rick Warren Sermon I just listened to but...

A friend told me just yesterday, that it was time to man up. Stop analyzing, stop working out everything else first, just walk up to the cliff and jump. Say it, scream it, breath it "Father, into your hands I commit my spirit." Not into your hands I commit my kids, my marriage, my health. I commit my spirit. Thats my life. That's if I die I commit to you my spirit, for eternity. If I have entrusted my eternal spirit to Him can I not entrust those other things??! 

Now how to do this? How to jump? Lift up your head, focus on Christ and just take one step forward. When Jesus asks Peter to walk out on the water, if Peter looks down at the water he falls. I love the line from this Hillsong lyric

"You call me out upon the waters

The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand
And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves"

I have been so focused on the waves that I forgot to look up! I forgot what I was walking toward. I thought I was walking forward but because I was looking down I was zig zagging to and fro being tossed by the waves I was so carefully and obsessively trying to dodge. When we look up, when we set our mind on Christ we move forward in confidence. And this is easy to confuse too. I have spent a lot of time thinking I was focused on Christ;  trying to figure out what does God say, what does he want me to do, what does his word say to do, what tidbits can I pull from his word that will help me feel better? But no! Set your mind on God, who He is. He is the Father, Abba, daddy, papa. He is Kind. His hands are big enough to carry you. He is trustworthy. He is gentle. 

This analogy that Rick gave really got me. When you are a child and you are afraid at night, where is the safest place in the house? Your parents bed right? Liam does this all the time. And when you are in your parents bed you feel safe and you drift off to sleep. And while you are asleep, your Father, with his strong hands, carries you back to your bed and tucks you in. When you are a child you wake to the feeling of "what! how did I get here!!??" And that is exactly what God does when we trust him. Somehow, when we stop looking down, and we just rest, he safely carries us to where we belong. 

"Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)"

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

[6x]
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

Oh, Jesus, you're my God!

I will call upon Your name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine

All My Hope Lies in Your Great Mercy

Summer has been racing by at a rate I can't believe. Maybe its because of the phase we are in with the boys but I just can't believe its almost Fall. We still have another trip to California planned and a fun camping trip on Lake Superior in the early Fall so the fun isn't over yet. 

The boys are doing so well. Grayson is sleeping through the night consistently and it is heavenly. Liam is just a total goof ball and a typical sassy two year old but we are loving it!

Here are some recent pictures and something I have been reading over and over the past few days!

All My Hope Lies in Your Great Mercy

St. Augustine 

Where did I find you, that I came to know you? You were not within my memory before I learned of you. Where, then, did I find you before I came to know you, if not within yourself, far above me? We come to you and go from you, but no place is involved in this process. In every place, O Truth, you are present to those who seek your help, and at one and the same time you answer all, though they seek your counsel on different matters.

You respond clearly, but not everyone hears clearly. All ask what they wish, but do not always hear the answer they wish. Your best servant is he who is intent not so much on hearing his petition answered, as rather on willing whatever he hears from you.

Late have I loved you, O beauty ever ancient, ever new, late have I loved you! You were within me, but I was outside, and it was there that I searched for you. In my unloveliness I plunged into the lovely things which you created. You were with me, but I was not with you. Created things kept me from you; yet if they had not been in you they would not have been at all. You called, you shouted, and you broke through my deafness. You flashed, you shone, and you dispelled my blindness. You breathed your fragrance on me; I drew in breath and now I pant for you. I have tasted you; now I hunger and thirst for more. You touched me, and I burned for your peace.

When once I shall be united to you with my whole being, I shall at last be free of sorrow and toil. Then my life will be alive, filled entirely with you. When you fill someone, you relieve him of his burden, but because I am not yet filled with you, I am a burden to myself. My joy when I should be weeping struggles with my sorrows when I should be rejoicing. I know not where victory lies. Woe is me! Lord, have mercy on me! My evil sorrows and good joys are at war with one another. I know not where victory lies. Woe is me! Lord, have mercy! Woe is me! I make no effort to conceal my wounds. You are my physician, I your patient. you are merciful; I stand in need of mercy.

Is not the life of man upon earth a trial? Who would want troubles and difficulties? You command us to endure them, not to love them. No person loves what he endures, though he may love the act of enduring. For even if he is happy to endure his own burden, he would still prefer that the burden not exist. I long for prosperity in times of adversity, and I fear adversity when times are good. Yet what middle ground is there between these two extremes where the life of man would be other than trial? Pity the prosperity of this world, pity it once and again, for it corrupts joy and brings the fear of adversity. Pity the adversity of this world, pity it again, then a third time; for it fills men with a longing for prosperity, and because adversity itself is hard for them to bear and can even break their endurance. Is not the life of man upon earth a trial, a continuous trial?

All my hope lies only in your great mercy.

A New Processional Cross

I have been meaning to put this up on here but time has gotten away from me. I wrote it as a morning reflection and a sweet friend asked to read it and then sent it in to be put on our church blog. 

Our church has commissioned a new processional cross. On Sunday, July 19, after the service, in the parking lot, we got to whiteness the artist’s pouring of the brass cross. The process was such a beautiful metaphor for life and salvation. As we watched I couldn’t help but tear up a little. How beautiful that through the process of creating such a sacred item we can see a metaphor for our lives.

We arrived to the scene of the bronze being heated to extremely high temperature within a crucible. It was brought to a liquid state; in this state the impurities float to the surface and are fished out. The liquid bronze was then poured into the plaster mold to take its new shape. After a few hours, when the bronze cooled and hardened into its new shape the artist took a hammer to the plaster mould and broke free the cross! A new creation is revealed. But even after that the work is not complete. There is a fine tuning that has to take place to smooth out the rough edges. When it is finally complete it will take its rightful place behind the altar of Church of the Cross!

We, like the bronze, are molded through trials, contained in the crucible (a difficult test or challenge, a place or situation that forces people to change or make difficult decisions). But it is all for the purpose of refining. Our impurities are forced to the surface through this heat, one level of purification. The pouring of the hot liquid bronze symbolizes our transformation through salvation–our biggest transformation. We are born again, the same substance given a new shape, the image of Christ, a cross. Christ, the mold, had to be shattered and broken by the Father, the great artist, so that we could become this new creation. Now the new creation is revealed. It is beautiful! But even in its new stunning state, still there are imperfections that show and need to be smoothed out. This is life as a child of God. We are a new creation, but not complete until that final day. But on that day we will be set in a place of honor, fully complete, adored by the artist. The stunning creation, complete, rings out the praise of the creator with its beauty.

“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, who by God’s power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time.” ‭‭1 Peter‬ ‭1:3-5‬ 

Living into freedom

Needless to say things have been busy around here. The kind of busy that can only come from adding a new family member. But summer is here and we have been embracing it with full force. We expanded our family even further by adding a 1966 Airstream Safari!! This feels like a big year for us. Andrew and I just celebrated 7 years of marriage, and it feels fitting that our year of "completeness" is the year we became a family of four, the year I turn 30 (yay!) and the year we start our camper adventures. We have named her "Garrity" in honor of her first owners, The Garritys! We have already enjoyed a few camping trips with the boys to some really beautiful areas. And just to keep it real, Garrity like everything in life, is just as much work and a pain in the butt as she is wonderful. A few leaky pipes, and hiccups, but worth it we think! (I say that as I am not the one who has to do all the labor, thanks babe! Here's to having an amazing husband who can seriously fix anything!)

So, I think the obvious question that everyone asks is how are we adjusting? Well... we are...adjusting haha! It has definitely been a new adventure for all of us. Liam I think especially. But I really feel like at the 3 month mark he really started to beautifully settle into our new rhythm and his role. It was a little scary there for a while, kinda thought we had ruined our sweet sensitive affectionate little boy! That sounds so dramatic, but it was quite a shock to see his reaction at times. I think Andrew and I just realized how easy and compliant Liam had been thus far and now he was really letting us know that this was hard for him. But as we persistently leaned into him, he has leaned back into us. But from the start he has loved Grayson and none of his frustration was ever aimed at his brother. He is so sweet to him, it is just too cute sometimes. I really love the age Grayson is at. Four months next week, and he's so smiling and interactive. He is such a sweet baby, but man I hate teething!!! 

For me the past few months have been tiring. I don't think I even realized how tired I was until just now as it is settling down a little. All my extreme emotions just manifest themselves in anxiety so its hard to differentiate tired from sad or hormonal or all those lovely things that come postpartum. But I have been able to spend time reflecting and reading some. I have been thinking a lot about "living into" the life we have been given. I think often times as a mom it is easy to be so anticipatory of the "next" thing. "I can't wait until the baby is born" and then it is, "I can't wait until he can smile, or sit up, or eat solids." I have found it very odd and somewhat hard even to live into good seasons. I find myself living as if I was still in some sort of trial and not realizing I am in the place I had hoped to be.  A sweet friend brought to mind the story of the blind man who Jesus healed. And it has reminded me to not live as one blind when I have been given sight. It is funny how it can be just as hard to live as one who is free as it is to live in captivity. I have had this Matt Redman song stuck in my head lately:

Could we live like Your grace is stronger

Than all our faults and failures?

Could we live like Your love

Is deeper than our hearts can fathom

Could we live like this?

Could we live like Your name is higher

Than every other power?

Could we live like Your ways

Are wiser than our understanding?

Could we live like this?

Could we live like this?

Yes, our God is all He says, all He says He is

Jesus, in Your name we could change the world

We stand in Your love, in Your power

And all You say we are

Jesus, in Your name we could change the world

We believe that Your grace is stronger

Than all our faults and failures

We believe that Your love

Is deeper than our hearts can fathom

So could we live like this

And shine in all the world

Could we live like this?

We're saying, "yes, Lord, yes, Lord!"

What else could we say, what else could we say?

We're saying, "yes, Lord, yes, Lord!"

We're going all the way, we're going all the way

We're going to live like this

Yes, our God is all He says, all He says He is

Yes, our God is all He says, all He says He is

We're going to live like this

Jesus, in Your name we could change the world

We believe, we believe

Jesus, in Your name we could change the world

It has got me thinking, what if I actually lived like I was free? My garden is such a constant source of analogy for me. I was reading this essay the other day (inserted below) and it made me realize, I have been looking at the garden of my life as if it is a bed full of weeds, and feeling hopeless at times that the few flowers I have managed to plant will ever be able to survive amongst the weeds. But that is so wrong. God has planted a beautiful bed of the best quality flowers in my life. And he even provides the soil, sun, rain, nutrients and all the good things those flowers need to grow. All I am responsible for is acknowledging the few weeds that can start to grow, and quickly pluck them out by the root and surrender them to Him. I remember the call in Song of Solomon 2:15 (this verse was form our wedding) "be intoxicated with love, but be ware of the little foxes". And He even is faithful to assist in that if we just ask him, "show me my sin, and help me to sincerely repent." God is so faithful to complete the good work he started in us. And I am more and more convinced He is not only faithful, but generous and kind and wants to fill our gardens with our favorite flowers for us to enjoy. I know this doesn't mean life is without trials. But its time to wake up and smell the roses!!! Or in my case maybe peonies?!!

The Repentance No One Regrets

Dietrich Koller

"The new mode of being human, corresponding to our "holy idea", which we prematurely and unconsciously stumbled on, cannot be brought off, because that is the work of grace alone. It is comparable to the seeds of the kingdom of God, which grow by themselves. It comes about "automatically," which is the word used by the Greek text of Mark 4:28 to mean "self-growing." What we can and must do is remove the thorns and thistles by continually interrupting the automatism of our false pattern. Thus we create space for the self-activated miracle of a new being."

And now for way too many pictures....

Grayson's Baptism! Such a sweet day.